What in the name of all that is good and....?

The first 3 seconds that I looked at this I thought it was fake.

Then the last 32 years of my life flashed before me; Every zoob encounter I've had. Each trip to Utah County. Each Utah/byu game. Every Bronco Mendenhall interview. And every August when these people come out of their cellars in their mighty glory, sounding their national championship trumpets, only to return a few weeks later after yet another tough agonizing loss when forced to play a real team.

After all of this, I've come to realize that unfortunately this is the real deal.

1000% completely, absolutely, without doubt retarded (poor kids).

(I'm gladly accepting any comments on this one...I'd love to hear what people have to say about this masterpiece. Similar pictures? Experiences? Friends..err...aquaintences?)

Who the hell likes soggy food?

So the other day I was out to dinner with the family and ordered a quesadilla. It sounded good and it was good, after I removed the soggy side of the tortilla! I think they forgot to turn if over and toast the other side! There is nothing that sicks me out more than soggy bread.

For example...there is nothing better in this world than a pastrami burger from Crown Burger. Because there is not a Crown Burger close to home or work I have to rely on the knock-off chains like Astro Burger, Atlantis Burger or Best Burger. It drives me nuts as I see them prepare the food. They get out the bun and the first thing they do is put the wet lettuce on it and let it soak the bun as the burger cooks. What he hell? They put the burger on it and by the time I get to my table and unwrap my lunch I've got a pastrami casserole. It completely sucks!

Have you ever seen a guy downing a large Coke, large fry and a pastrami burger with no bun. Yeah, that's me and I look like I'm trying to watch myself and cut carbs!?!

They are 50% retarded for making me look retarded!

Old people suck!

What the hell is up with old people operating vehicles?

The other day I was driving south on State Street right in front of the Fashion Place Mall. Next thing I know, out of the corner of my eye I see a mini-van turning left out of the mall, across three lanes of traffic. No, she didn't pull into the left lane, she continued all the way across three lanes of traffic and nearly ran me right through the front door of Golf Galaxy. As I looked in my rear view mirror what do I see? Some blue-hair lady that's probably 193 years old who can't see over her steering wheel. The second thing I saw...yep, a retard pass hanging from her mirror.
So, this one is an easy call:

100% retarded cause she has a pass telling everyone so.

Also, has anyone driven in Bountiful lately? Holy hell I swear it takes me an extra 10 minutes to get through that town these days. I'd put money down that over 80% of drivers in that city are over 142 years old. It takes forever to weave through Beatrice and Stella at 3:30pm their way to Cafe Alicia's for their daily supper. I thought there were a lot of old people when during my teenage years but Bountiful is the new Florida for all I know. Now that 5 points (the old raging mall) is gone I'd hate to try to find a place to walk at that new Rec Center at 3:30am.

What the hell is up with the Cougs?

Come on...after the past 3 months of talk, talk, talk, talk, talk and more talk I really thought that the Utes were going to be able to play you for the BCS invitation at the end of the year. I mean sure, the Utes need to get there themselves but I could have sworn that the Cougs were already there waiting for us. Man, there goes the epic game to end the year. Thanks a lot!

(However, I'm sure there will be more talk, talk, talk and more talk after they win their next game and start a new undefeated streak!)

Retarded scale:

BYU: Definitely 100% retarded

According to the poll on the right...

The weasel will win and the loser is going to blow something up!

We're all screwed.

Saving the Planet is a pain in the ass!

What the hell is up with UTA? Has anyone ever had a fluid, easy, relaxing, FAST trip on anything related to the Utah Transit Authority? Let me give you some background...

Before Clara was born the new Frontrunner opened. I was a little excited as the Farmington Station is about 2 miles from my home. There is also a Trax station about 1.5 miles away from my work. While I need my car for my job I could just leave it at work each night. So I thought I'd join those fanatical enviro's and go green for a while (plus my work pays half of the public transportation fare). I tried it a few times and going to work (Frontrunner to downtown, trax to Murray, and bus to work) wasn't so bad as long as Allie could drive me to Frontrunner in the mornings.

Coming home was a different story (Bus to Trax, Trax to Downtown, Frontrunner home). I waited for the bus which was supposed to come every 15 minutes for 25 minutes. This should have allowed two different buses to come but none did. Upon crossing the street back to work I looked behind me and there went the damn bus! What the hell? You want people to use this right? So I hopped in my car and drove home at 80 mph and let my car idle as long as possible just to pay back the environment for wasting my time.

I tried biking the last leg of the journey and that sucked even more. I had to stand the entire hour with the other 20 people with bikes (they must have waited for buses in the past as well). And the driver let me know that in the future that if there were already 2 bikes on Trax, I had to wait for the next train. What the hell? Just get a bigger train. You want people to use this thing right?

These days Allie is unable to drive me as Clara is asleep most mornings. I got some crazy idea that maybe there is a bus that could get me from my house to the Frontrunner. So I used the nice little tool on the UTA website that creates the fastest route from point A to point B. After typing in my address it said that I could get to Frontrunner in 45 minutes (2 miles!). What the hell? You want people to use this right?

So, I've decided that going green sucks and I'll let my kids deal with it. It's a waste of time and effort. Now that Legacy is open I'm 80mph to work anyway.

By the way I had a nice conversation with a client and fried of mine who is in the trucking, development business. He said that Frontrunner cost about $611 million and has taken about 9,000 people off of the road daily. According to statistics, one extra lane on the highway can a hold a minimum of 25,000. Looks to me like it's not only a waste of time and effort, but a waste of money as well. Chooo Chooo this!!!!

Retard Factor:
100% retarded to whoever tried to coordinate the bus, trax and frontrunner schedules and has made it impossible for me to use with any sort of convenience.

Welcome (all of you)..

As we all know, Allie always has the best intentions. However due to some miscommunication (give us a break, we haven't even been married for 10 years yet!) I didn't know Allie was sending an email to a lot of people regarding the blog. When I realized she had sent an email I didn't think it was a good idea. You see, there are people who tend not to get my sarcastic nature and sense of humor. So, in turn there would be some people who would not find some of the things posted here enjoyable. Maybe...maybe not. I thought it might be better avoid any type of awkward conversation that may arise from those who take a look and think I'm the devil..."he is....he is the Devil!" (The Office anyone?)

So, I'll continue posting about what pisses me off and about other retarded people. As for any type of discussion I'm pretty sure it's not necessary. I know what I'm talking about and am pretty sure I'm right.

P.S. I use the word retard pretty loosely. Retard to me means someone who, by their own decision, is a dumbass.

Politicians?

What the hell is up with Obama and McCain? Was the debate last night completely worthless or what? Isn't every single debate worthless? Who do you believe? All they do is call each other liars. It reminds me of a couple of 8 year olds arguing over who said what to whom about the others best friends sister on the playground after lunch.

Yeah, Obama gets millions from shady bank deals and looks like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar as he tries to backtrack statements and smooth-talk his way to another subject. McCain on the other hand looks like an idiot every time he tries to jab Obama and needs to let the "reach across party lines" line have a rest. Also, figure out how to laugh without reminding me of the weasel exibit at the zoo.

What about someone who will stand up and tell it like it is? What about the guy who'll just say that he'll bomb the Pakistan border until no living thing can crawl out of those caves to make sure the terrorists are dead. How about saying that even although we can't do it, bombing the entire country of Iran may solve a lot of problems. How bout keeping taxes the same for everyone...yes everyone...whether you make $300k, $200K or are the guy making $10K while working at 7-11, wearing girls pants and having tattoos all over your body (see last post). Why should that guy pay a smaller % than the guy who took out student loans, worked hard, made a lot of money and has become a contributing member of society?

No more talking out of both ends, quit bashing the other guy and mixing facts to try to put yourself above the other guy. Give me some information as to where your values are (abortion, gay marriage, welfare etc.) and I'll make my call. All other things will probably fall in line anyway. If anyone has any ideas on how to get the truth (the actual, real, 100% truth) as to where these guys stand, I'm all ears. Serisously...I want info.

Retard factor:
McCain - 50% retarded
Obama - 51% retarded (cause he hangs with terrorists).

Teenagers these days?

What the hell is up with boys wearing girl pants? I know that being gay these days is a cool fad and a nice way to get attention but come on...don't make it so obvious. (However if I wore pants that tight I'd be close to going the other way as well).

Do they realize how retarded they look? I mean they already look completely worthless spending their days in the K-Mart parking lot practicing their 'Ollies' or however else they flip the board into the air and try to land on top.

And how do their girlfriends feel about sharing clothing? Being a guy, I obviously didn't get into the whole sharing clothes thing but remember it happening between the girls I knew. I guess it's a good way to save money between a couple. Hell, half these kids have their fingernails painted as well so let's just open up the entire closet. It used to really bug me when I'd see those kids wearing the baggy pants that hung down around their thighs, but I'll take that any day....at least they bought those in the little boys section instead of 579 (yeah, I've been to the mall w/ my sister when I was younger).

Add to the little girl pants the crazy earrings that stretch their earlobes, the tattoo on their face and piercings and they've completely trashed any thought of being a worthwhile member of society for their lifetime. Which is why I'm splitting the retard percentage on this one:

95% retarded to those with all of the tattoos, piercings etc. I didn't go the full 100% because this kid may be able to fix the Slurpee machine for me one day.

70% retarded for the kid who simply has a hard time finding friends and has to wear the pants to fit into a group. He'll never get his teenage years back but one day he may realize the error of his ways, buy some boy pants and spend some time trying to figure out when he became a chick!

What the....?

My last post 5 minutes ago got me thinking and I have have a list in my head of 20 things I need to post. I've also gotten so excited about getting this stuff off of my chest I had to take a pee...and I came back from the bathroom with 5 new things! I must pace myself....


What the hell is up with people giving "the bird"? I tried to think of the last time I gave someone the bird and honestly..I know it was elementary school but can't remember if it was in 1st grade when my middle finger got long enough to be recognized as being bigger than the other three or 3rd grade when I saw someone give the double-handed bird with your arms crossed (yeah...I grew up in a rough part of West Valley which will in future posts be know as "The Hood").

Last night I was at the Utah football game and stopped by the tailgate. A friend of ours had to drop someone off so he left in his car while another friend stood in the parking stall for 5 minutes until friend #1 returned. Meanwhile some hillbilly guy who looked about 3/4 retarded pulled up, muttered a few words and then gave 'the bird'. I though to myself...you just jumped from 75%retarded to about 80% when you could have just yelled at us and kept yourself at the 75% mark.

Instead of the bird...why not just shout someone down and tell them how you really feel. Don't leave it up to us to interpret the actual meaning of the bird.

That felt good...stay tuned for more to come.

I'm now headed in a different direction...

I used to use this blog as a motivation tool. I realized that didn't work about a while back so I'm done. No more motivation for me. I don't need it.

So now it's the "What the ....?" blog. Most know I'm kind of an ornery guy. In fact I've mentioned to Allie that when I'm old I'd like to be the guy in the neighborhood that kids are afraid of and won't walk in front of my house. They'll rather cross the street with their bikes, then back to the other side after they're clear of sight.

Most of you also know that lots of stuff drives me nuts on a daily basis. Because of this...I will most likely be that crazy old guy. So, from now on this is the 'What the....?" blog. Stay tuned for lots of crazy $#*! that I see on a daily basis that I need to get off my chest.